A Healing Heart

Micah was a first try IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) success story, our little science baby!  

During our IVF process we retrieved 16 eggs, 12 were mature enough to fertilize and all 12 survived fertilization.  From there, 5 were ranked high enough to be cryopreserved.  Lucky #1 was Micah, and the other 4 were frozen to grow our family at a later date.  

So, when we were ready to “take one out of the freezer” (aka: FET – Frozen Embryo Transfer) to try for baby #2 there was not much doubt that anything would go wrong.  In my mind, this was just what we had to do to get pregnant – we do it the unconventional way … the expensive way … the lots of shots, meds, blood draws, ultrasounds, and doctor-visits way .  Yeah, all of that is just what we have to do to get pregnant, and the rest is easy.  

Throughout my FET cycle my ultrasounds were great, my hormone levels were measuring spot on, and that little blastocyst (5 day old embryo) was at the highest ranking.  The transfer procedure itself went perfectly!  I was pregnant!  Everything went exactly as planned.  

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Until it didn’t … my pregnancy blood test results came back negative … meaning the embryo didn’t survive … meaning I wasn’t pregnant anymore … meaning I lost what would have been my baby.  

I always knew there was a possibility of it “not working” … but I thought my feelings would be more like – ugh, such a bummer, super annoying, what a waste of time and money!  After all … it’s just an embryo, right?  Instead, it really felt like a loss (of a baby) and I wasn’t expecting to deal with the emotions that came with that.  That little embryo was Micah once, I watched it enter my body and every week watched it grow until he entered the world.  That little life was lost, and it left my heart broken. 

The wall of grief shot up so high that I was numb to any feelings.  I thought, I guess let’s just try it again, it must have been a fluke.  Maybe I didn’t do something right?  I should have eaten healthier, prayed harder or started taking my vitamins sooner.  Next time will be different.  

So, we scheduled another transfer date and started up the meds again, and this time was different.  It was different because the wall of grief was made of bricks, and I wasn’t going to allow myself to feel any hurt, or anything.  I assumed the worst from the get-go to guard my heart from any pain.  I literally didn’t feel the effects of the Valum (taken for the procedure) because I was already so emotionally numb.  

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It happened again.  We lost the baby after our second FET.  My heart was left even more broken than before, and my mind quickly drowned in “what if?” … “what if we can never have another baby?!”

The infertility journey in general is a giant emotional rollercoaster, and if you don’t stay positive you won’t survive the ride.  Well, I didn’t survive.  Since we lost one right after the other, and it all happened so fast, it was almost traumatic.  When the numbness subsided and the grief settled in I fell into such a depression I knew there was no way of getting out without asking for help.  

I sought help and my therapist has been an absolute blessing, a true gift from God.  When we were 4 sessions into the grieving process she asked me this question, “What do you need to forgive yourself for?”  I started sobbing, yet I didn’t have an answer.  The reality was it wasn’t the answer that mattered, but the realization that I needed to forgive myself because in my mind and heart, it was my fault.  As women, we are the bearer of children, and since this miracle happens in our bodies we feel responsible for anything that happens.  We carry the emotional and physical weight of the process.  Every needle entered my body, that little baby entered my body, so it was my sole responsibility to ensure it’s life.  I failed.  

I failed both of my babies.  I failed myself.  I failed my husband.  I failed my parents.  I failed my doctor.  

That feeling of failure ran so deep.  No number of people could tell me it wasn’t my fault.  If it wasn’t, then why did I feel this way?  

Grief is crazy, it comes in waves and there are defining moments and stages.  Unfortunately, feeling this way was just a part of the process.  No parts of the grieving process are easy, but I have to imagine it is especially hard during a pandemic.  Experiencing grief feels incredibly isolating – the reality is no one experienced a loss in the exact way you did.  Being told to isolate yourself physically when you are already isolated emotionally may be one of the most suffocating experiences.  During a time when you just need a shoulder to cry on, a girlfriend to grab a glass of wine with … the only ones there are those willing to “risk” being near you.  

Although I was seeking therapy, the deep feelings of sadness and uncertainty under the dark cloud of COVID were enough to bring me to my knees.  I knew if God brought me to it, He could bring me through it.  While we have an amazing God who cares for us deeply, our pains and suffering are still very real.  I was committed to staying true to my faith that God has an amazing plan for me … He is with me, for me, and will show me His way in His time.  

After much prayer for contentment I was reminded that the God I surrendered my hopes, dreams, fears and anxieties to is the same God that parted the Red Sea, the creator of all the universe, a true miracle worker.  He is mighty enough and powerful enough to create life, if that be His will.  

Finally, God gave me a content heart, one that was no longer broken, but healing.  I was okay with our 2 failed embryo transfers.  I was okay with scheduling another transfer.  I was okay if the outcome was negative.  I was okay with Micah being our only child.  

And then, in my contentment, I found out I was pregnant … by natural conception.  

You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples (Pslam 77:14)

Yes, a miracle indeed.  I am overjoyed, and frankly still in shock to be a witness to this amazing miracle.  Being a mother has been one of life’s greatest gifts and I feel so blessed to get the opportunity to grow our family.  

However, I quickly learned that being pregnant doesn’t instantly heal your heart.  When I doubtfully received the news of my natural pregnancy I couldn’t help but feel the guilt and loss creep in again.  Those embryos I worked so hard for throughout the IVF process were just sitting there in cryopreservation waiting for me … did I fail them once again?  And so, the grief cycle continues.  It may never end, it may always linger … and when it does I focus my attention on trusting that God has an amazing plan for me, my family, my baby, and my 2 remaining embryos.  

‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ – Jeremiah 29:11

For anyone experiencing infertility, miscarriage, loss, or just having a hard time please know God is always there for you to lean on and the more you make yourself known to Him the more you will see Him working in your life in insurmountable ways.  If I can pray for you, please reachout.  If you need someone to talk to, please reachout.  If you are struggling with grief, depression, anxiety, or sadness, I encourage you to seek professional guidance.  

It takes courage to be vulnerable.  It’s not easy, and I’m not looking for any sort of reaction.  Writing this was part of my grieving process, and I am only sharing this to provide comfort to anyone going through a similar situation.  You are not alone … God is with you always.